The first time I ever kissed a boy was in the 6th grade. It was under a tree in my front yard on Southport Road. It was the beginning of an unusual friendship that lasted for many years. I remember that I could tell him anything and he always found the humor in it that would eventually get me laughing. He was there for some of the most tragic moments in my life when I was young and always tried to find a way to make it better. I always enjoyed spending time with him and we didn't actually lose contact for good until I was 27. You never forget your first love. They are embedded in your heart and soul forever no matter where you go and what you do. Memories are funny that way.
The first time my mother had to break up a physical fight between a boy and I was in 1988. He was another one that thought hitting was OK and physically backed me into a corner once because I drank the last Coke in the refrigerator. That was the moment that I found courage and started to swing back, discovering that I can in fact throw a pretty good punch when I need to. We had gotten into an argument at one of my friend's houses that turned into a physical altercation. My friend didn't know what to do so she called my mother who came down and pulled me off of him. That was the first of the two fights that my mother broke up between us. The second was the last and was actually caused by me trying to walk away... and that of course led into another physical fight because he was trying to convince me (or scare me) into keeping the relationship going. Violence is never the answer to anything and I knew it.
The first time I realized that I'm probably one of the most bitter, untrusting and cold women on the face of the planet was just a few years ago. The first time I regretted being this way was just about an hour ago. I will never make excuses for who I have become or what I've been through in my life. I try to never use anything as a crutch. But looking back on my experiences, I begin to understand why even though others can't see it.
The positive firsts are the ones that bring joy and are the ones you always want to try again. What shapes your life and makes you who you are are all the negative first times. I learned that just today. Yeah... this cold hearted, bitter, untrusting woman has finally realized why she is what she is.
So I have two choices. I can choose to work my way through it and stop giving those bad firsts the power to mold the bitterness, cold and untrusting feelings that have been eating at my heart since that first break up when I was in the 4th grade. Or I can do nothing and reap the consequences of experiences that I am not guilty of perpetrating but was unfortunately a participant in without my consent. In other words continue to give those firsts the power to run my life even without my desire or permission to do so. Hmmm... Decisions, decisions.
Happy Monday my friends.
Sorry if I busted anyone's bubble today. :(