"If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
~ Jodi Picoult
I want to take a break from talking about chickens, the garden, house things and my two idiot dogs for a moment and talk about something that I have been pondering today. Sometimes when something gets stuck in my head, if I "talk" about it, it starts to make more sense and right now, I'm perplexed.
After venturing out for a few hours today to go around and fill out job applications for part time work to help me pay for all the beautiful things I'm doing in the back yard, I started thinking about a few things. Great. I hate it when I do that. A few things donned on me that I really hadn't noticed until now.
You see... two years ago last month I quit my last job that I had. It was a screwy situation and those things happen when you work for someone that is like the person that I was working for. I was waiting tables and bartending which are two things I enjoyed but I wasn't going to work six days a week to keep it. Sweets and I were getting married in a few weeks, patronage was WAY down (something that happens when the boss does things that runs customers off) and I was just tired of the BS of never being home. I bent over backward for that place and in return I was talked about badly behind my back, yelled at in front of customers and just used. Eventually enough is enough so I quit. Funny thing is, I felt kinda bad about it when I know deep down inside that I shouldn't have. I can't allow someone to treat me like that but unfortunately, I did.
It was disappointing. Plain and simply disappointing. I've learned over the years to expect the worst out of people so when I receive anything but that, I'm pleasantly surprised instead of deeply disappointed.
I think it is possible that our levels of social interaction are based on our experiences with disappointment in other people. When people let you down repeatedly and you experience many disappointments over your lifetime, you have a tendency not to trust which can lead to the desire to live in solitude because loneliness becomes more comfortable than the repeated feeling of disappointment that socializing will inevitably bring. At least that's my opinion at the moment and the reasoning behind my current and ongoing solitary life.
On one application today it asked what the two most important things are that you as an applicant look for in an employer. I admit I cringed when I read that but my answers came quickly and without much thought. #1. Open communication because I can't stand it when there is a lack of communication in the workplace. #2. Mutual respect because anyone who bad mouths their employer shouldn't be working for them and an employer should have enough respect for their employee to not bad mouth them behind their back either.
The best way to solve a problem, if it really exists, is to talk about it one on one with the person you have the issue with. That's the grown up way of handling things. Unfortunately, too many people are more content to take the childish route of talking behind another person's back. I've never understood that because it never solves the problem, if there actually is one to begin with. Then again, if all the problems were discussed and solved, people wouldn't have anything to bitch about now would they?
I knew it was going on and how long it was going on because people told me about it. I contemplated confronting her about it because the things she was saying just weren't true (thank goodness the people she said it to knew me well enough to know it was all BS), but I wasn't ready to leave just yet. So I waited and left on my timeline, not hers.
I can't believe I actually worked for that place twice. What the hell was I thinking?
This actually isn't the first time that I have job hunted over the past two years but it's the first time that the end result will be finding something. In the past, I'd half heartily hunt for a day or two then throw myself into other projects. This time is different. I have locked myself away inside my house. I find that I actually talk out loud to myself when I'm working in the yard or doing anything inside the house for the simple reason that I could go an entire day without speaking at all if I didn't do that. I need to get out of the house more. Solitude is safe but the outside world is too when the interactions with others are limited to working.
I'm also suspicious of that previous employer if anyone calls her so I think I'm going to have someone call for a reference to see what is being said. That donned on me today too. If there are no qualms about bad mouthing me to patrons while I'm actually working there, why would there be any about bad mouthing me to anyone else when I'm not? It will be interesting to see what is said and I'd also like to know what is being said when she is questioned that if I'm so horrible, why did she hire me back less than a year after I quit the first time? I think that fact is my saving grace on discrediting what she says about me because I know none of it is true to begin with.
Who in their right mind says negative things about their employees to their customers anyway?
That's not the only thing in my life that has brought disappointment. There have been many others that I've trusted only to be deceived or used. Poor Sweets has received the rear end of a lot of those experiences over the past couple of years. He had to earn my trust and it took a lot for me to not watch him through the corner of my eye waiting for that feeling of disappointment that I knew was just right around the corner. Funny thing is, it has yet to come and I trust him with all my heart. I wish he could say the same about me but unfortunately, because of life experience and my reaction to it, he can't. I have disappointed him before as a direct result of trusting someone else that in return, disappointed me. It's a funny little world we live in.
That lesson was learned and will never be forgotten and has yet to be forgiven but that's another blog for another time. Karma's a bitch and I hope that person is getting everything that they deserve three times over for putting me in that situation to begin with. I know. Sounds extremely bitter and unfortunately I still am about this one and probably will be for a while. At least until I know that they have gotten what they deserve for it.
I still expect the worst from most people. Maybe someday that will change. But I doubt if that change is coming anytime soon.
Thank you for "listening" and sorry about the negativity there toward the end. I'm normally so happy and upbeat that it's difficult for me to deal with anger, disappointment and deception.