Friday, February 15, 2019

The Art of Purging...

I think one of the worst things that a person can allow in their life is stagnation.  Being stuck in the same cycle.  Breathing instead of being alive and living life.  Something clicked today with my Facebook account that really opened my eyes to that.  To you, thank you.

With this round of entries on this website, I'm really REALLY hoping to stay the fuck out of the past and just move on to things that haven't happened yet instead of traveling into the way back machine.  That seems to be a weakness of mine and sometimes I think it severely holds me back.

My 30's were my decade of fun and oh what a decade it was.  I can't help but look back on it and smile.  My 40's aren't over yet... so it's time for a little bit more.

Because I deserve it. 

Enter the art of purging.

That is what this painting represents to me.  For so many years I couldn't paint without going into mental meltdown.  I even considered giving it completely up.  I once told Cory that I wanted to throw all of my painting stuff in the trash.  Canvas, brushes, colors, easels.  All of it.  Burn it to the ground.

He asked me to wait.  So I did.  And the stuff sat with the exception of the few times I painted while filming.  Which afterward the meltdown inevitably came.  Every stinking time.

I refuse to go into the why because it's all in the past and this painting is my purge.  It's all dead to me now.  Nothing in that area of my brain or past matters anymore because I made it to the here and now.  And I love it right here, right now.

No one knows by looking at it but each piece of that painting is a representation of a piece of a life going to hell in a hand basket.  It's NOT my best work by any means, but this work has more meaning to me than any other piece I've ever done.  And for that reason alone, I love it.

Those flowers are my safe space and that's the last time I'm painting them.  I'm ready to move on to what's next.  What's in my head right now is amazing and nothing like what you see there.  Nothing.  It's delectably dark and I want to see it.  I want to touch it.  I want to bring it into my life.  And I will.

And if you stick around, you can see it too.

If you choose not to... I'll be creating it anyway.  Without you.

This, my friends, is the purge that brought me back to the here and now...

And I still love it.



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