Friday, November 22, 2019

Great Expectations...

I'm having what Cory calls "a moment."

I'm going to come right out and say it and some people really aren't going to like this.

I think human beings are hideous monsters and I've thought this the majority of my life.

People are like piranhas.  Always on the hunt.  Looking for that one individual that is weaker and smaller so they can be chewed on and devoured all the way to the bone.  Once that person has nothing left to give, the pack moves on to the next unfortunate soul that wanders into the pond.

When I was young I would lay in a gold velvet chair in my grandparent's living room and picture in my mind what my life was going to be like as an adult.  Needless to say, I had great expectations of the life I was going to live and what it was going to look like.

Unbeknownst to me, that life just wasn't going to happen.  It wasn't long after that moment that the shit storm started.  It was the calm before the storm even though I didn't realize it until a few years ago.  What I thought was normal... I found out it wasn't.  I discovered it on my own and it put a lot of things that happened afterward into perspective.

Shit happens.  I know that.

It's nature.  Human beings are animals and a lot of them can be unbelievably mean to others.  Some have no problems inflicting mental and physical pain on others because they aren't the ones that feel it.

I never had any illusions that I'd be rich or famous but then again, I didn't want the white picket fence, marriage and the 2.5 kids either.  Don't get me wrong, my life hasn't been horrible.  Not even close.  A lot of it has been a really interesting and fun adventure up until that day in the elevator.

Perspective happens and sometimes you discover that you are actually blessed in ways that you never dreamed of.  A quote from the movie Vanilla Sky can round it out pretty well... the sweet is never as sweet without the sour.  That's not verbatim, but I think it's easy to understand and it's SO true.

My PTSD wrecked my life.  Wrecked who I was.  Wrecked my dreams, my goals and my ambition.  Destroyed so many relationships.  It paralyzed me and my life and gave me a pretty strong dose of what hell could feel like.  There were some days that I disassociated so deeply that I couldn't tell if I was alive or dead and I had to ask Cory to find out.  I've never been suicidal but in the grips of it all I wouldn't have been mad if I went to sleep and didn't wake up.  (Yes, my therapist knows that.)  That's how bad I felt at one time but I don't feel that way anymore.

My therapist told me this at our first appointment and in all reality, I hoped she was right but I had my doubts.  With my medication and therapy, I have a clean slate for my life.  Who and what do I want to be when I cross over from victim to survivor? 

Since I've started therapy and meds, one of the hardest things that I have wanted to do is grab something positive, hold on tight, and run with it.  I have a few ideas and goals for myself to accomplish in 2020.  It's been a LONG time since I did that and it feels really good just to be back in the planning stage. 

It's exciting but as much as things change, some will stay the same.


That's enough for today.  I do have things to get done.

I'm hoping to get into the habit of posting here on every Friday from here on out.  Writing or journaling really helps me clear my mind.  Say what I feel like I need to say.  Purge my brain of thoughts whether they be good or not so good.  It's also creating a place that I can go back and see where I was and how far I have come at that moment.  Some people may find it interesting.  Some may take pleasure in reading about my dumpster fire life but then again, some may find inspiration.  Who the fuck knows but I'm OK with all of it.  So... I'll see you next Friday.  :)

Happy Friday...



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