Friday, April 17, 2020

I Miss Me...

Today my mind is as cloudy as the sky outside my window.  Focus is going to be difficult.  For some stupid reason I was thinking about life before the elevator.

Call it whatever you want, but, I miss me.  I miss the way I used to spontaneously pick up and go.  I miss my mind and that feeling of clarity.  I miss my passion for life.  It used to be huge.  

I also hate knowing that because my PTSD was unchecked for so long that I became someone’s demon.  

I could be so verbally abusive and cruel at the drop of a hat.  The abused can become the abuser and in some ways, I did that.  I’m well aware of it and willing to admit it.  Yes, I am sorry I did that.  I feel intense guilt for the BS that some people had to deal with because of me.  

Words can be sharper than a sword and I definitely know how to use them.

Now I just don’t trust most people.  Stepping foot out into the world feels like going on safari... only I’m the lion that is being hunted.  So I stay home most of the time.

Thing is, it’s not just the elevator that did this.  The elevator escalated everything else.  It took things that really meant nothing and made them mean everything.  Imagine being confronted with every abuse you ever encountered... all at once.  

Being backed into a corner and beaten because I drank the last Coke in the refrigerator.  Being driven around Beech Grove for an hour in an argument and every time I opened my mouth to say something, I was backhanded.  Backed up against a garage door for something so significant that I can’t even remember what it was... but I do remember screaming every time he hit me.  Being picked up by the throat and punched in the face because I refused to continue that abusive relationship.  But, I ended it. Thank God I ended it.

That’s the one that I’m choosing to confront now.  Yes, I had mental scars from that but I was living with them just fine.  Originally it taught me to stand up and not take that from anyone.  In the end, I found out if I fought back, it stopped.  I turned into a 5’3” 120 pound pitt bull full of anger with a mean punch.  That’s not a healthy way to live and I knew it.  He didn’t make it easy but I was able to walk away.

I didn’t let it mean anything.  The elevator took that choice away from me and now it means everything.  Just like a lot of the other things.  

You can know someone for many years and have no clue how many things they have been through in their life.  I’m sure most people that have known me for a long time have no idea I went through that one.  I was able to hide it when it was going on and I’ve chosen not to talk about it very much over the years.  Maybe I was trying to forget about it.  But I can’t.  Because of the terror in the elevator, it means everything.

And... I miss me.

*hugs*

Lanie

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