Monday, May 18, 2020

Dumpster Fire Monday...

Yeah, I've been slacking on doing my homework lately.  Then again, it's not the only thing that I have been slacking on.  Up and down.  Anxious to do something, ready to dive into it and then boom, my motivation goes right out the window, anxiety kicks in and I just want to exist in solitude.

Once upon a time I was fearless.  Now I can be startled by my own shadow and that fact really angers and annoys me.

I love the apps that I am doing right now because of the flexibility but sometimes I do forget that there is a reason why I'm "not employable."  I'm in such a hurry to work my way back that I think I over do it quite often.  My anxiousness goes through the ceiling.  Everything becomes overwhelming and I really want to just shut down.

Is this ever going to end?

I'm impatient with my recovery.  I want it to happen right now but it simply doesn't work that way.  I know that.  It's been over a year since my diagnosis and I'm better than I was and can get an occasional glimpse of who I used to be.  I do like that.

It's deep.  It's dark.  If there are stages in the recovery of this disorder, I have no idea what they are but right now angry doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this today.  Stab yourself through the heart with a splintered fence post repeatedly and it isn't even close to what this feels like sometimes.  I understand it, but then again, I don't.  I'm aware of a lot of it, but not all.  I don't want to go any further down this rabbit hole because it's scares me.  It's trash.  I've already turned myself wrong side out more than once and right now I'm not willing to do it again.

Some things are better just left alone.

It's frustrating, painful and infuriating at the same time.

It's a dumpster fire kinda day.  The only thing I'm able to do today work wise is write at home.  Thank goodness for Textbroker.