Thursday, June 30, 2011

Lanie Land...

So... I've been doing some thinking this week.  I heard somewhere that it's good for the soul (and your mental health) to cut loose sometimes.  Vent a bit and just let it out.  State the obvious that no one really wants to say or observations, irritants or stupidity that is SCREAMING to be talked about.  I'm not on a mere soapbox here kids.  I'm going to be going off on a tangent.  Screaming from a mountain.  And I'm going to enjoy every freakin' minute of it.

Welcome my friends to Lanie Land.  For me it is my favorite place on Earth.  Better than the circus, although it can be a freak show at times, where it never rains and the cotton candy melts in your mouth like the sugary sweetness that life should be.  It's a place where it's OK to let your freak flag fly... as long as you respect the other flags in the area too.  Its a place with positive energy.  Happiness.  And the never ending silver lining in the storm clouds that occasionally come through.  But those storms make the sunshine just that much more enjoyable... so it's all good.

So my question is, where to start?

How about ice cream since it's so freakin' hot out.  :)

Dear Bryers:

Maybe it's my own misconception or misunderstanding about the contents of your ice cream.  I remember seeing commercials on television with the children trying to pronounce monosodiumglutemate and your company pointing out that only good, natural products were used in your ice cream.  I have religiously eaten your ice cream for years because I'm very conscious of what I eat, the more natural the better.

I recently purchased your Bryers Blast.  Cookies N Cream and Reeses to be exact and have to say I'm extremely disappointed.  You can't even say that it is ice cream on the packaging?  It's a frozen dessert product now?  All those years I never worried about putting your product in my cart or took the time to read your labels because YOUR ice cream was supposed to be just that.  Ice cream.  Never again.  I guess it's time to buy an ice cream maker.  Oh, and the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Blast is horrible.  I imagine a better taste could be gotten from licking the butthole of a wildebeest and I'll probably be returning it to Target for a refund.
Dear Magnum Ice Cream:

OMG.  Kudos to you for making the most awesome ice cream treat in the WORLD.  Tahitian hookers would turn tricks for FREE for a box of this shit.  Screw the Klondike bar because you guys came out with an authentic WHITE chocolate covered ice cream bar that actually taste like white chocolate and is SO worth the $1.25 each unit price.  (That's right.  $3.75ish a box for 3 bars.)  I will tell everyone that I know that they have got to try one of your ice cream treats because they are simply an orgasm on a stick.
(Switching gears here a bit...)

Dear TLC (The Learning Channel):

Please change the misleading name of your network.  If I'm not mistaken, TLC stands for the learning channel.  I like learning new things.  In fact, it is a goal of mine to learn something new every day and years ago, your network would help me accomplish that.  Your couponing show is unrealistic and riddled with fraud (Don't deny it because I saw it with my own eyes on the final show.  Those $5 Similac coupons clearly state "ONE PER TRANSACTION" and the individual used quite a few of them in one transaction.")

Hoarders and Toddlers & Tiaras don't teach people anything except for some people are REALLY crazy and child beauty pageants create little bitchy divas.  God help any man that EVER gets involved with any of those kids when they grow up!

Maybe you should call yourselves The Ludicrous Channel or The Looser Channel because this garbage that you air sure as hell isn't teaching anyone anything.  You have seriously become a "reality" television nightmare.


OK, switching gears again...

- I hate it when people have their phone number blocked on caller ID.  (I don't even care about caller ID but it came with my cell phone so out of habit I do look before I answer.)  Blocked numbers just go right through me.  I'm only going to say this once, you aren't that fucking special that everyone is scrambling to copy down your number when you call.  Why do people do that anyway?  Is it because people they know won't answer the phone if they know that it's them calling?  I know who's been calling my phone lately with the blocked number but refuse to answer it because blocked numbers piss me off.

Now I don't break my neck to get to the phone when it rings.  (Sweets can verify that one!  LOL!)  If I'm busy, sleeping, in the bathroom, in the shower, downstairs or inside a store where a phone call would an inconvenience, I let it ring through.  It cracks me up to see someone break their freakin' neck to answer their phone every time it makes a noise.  Yes, I know you are loved.  People love me too but they also have the common sense to know that if I don't answer, I'll call them right back.

And that takes me to voice mail.  I can't stand voice mail and rarely leave one for people.  You see my number on your cell phone caller ID so why do I need to leave a voice mail?  You know I called and I usually only call people when I have a reason to.  So whomever will call me back if they want to talk to me.  My voicemail isn't even activated on my phone because I don't want to have to listen to someone's message then call them to hear the same thing over again.  I like to save time and that's one way to do it.  :)  Translation= Voicemail is a big ass waste of time.

And finally...

If I were King of the World, there would be a few freakin' changes around here.

#1.  Every law that has been put into place to protect the inherently stupid would be repealed immediately.  If you can't figure out that you shouldn't use your hairdryer while you are in the shower, then you should use your hairdryer while you are in the shower.  Electricity and water don't mix dumbass.  That's basic scientific knowledge.

#2.  Any and all families of those who created genetically engineered foods would be the focus group for the FDA's study on any and all side effects and health developments for the first 25 years that said food has been "ready" for consumption.  I have a feeling that science would stop creating genetically engineered foods if that were the case.

#3.  Any American Citizen caught burning the American Flag will be charged with treason.  It's not freedom of speech and no one will convince me otherwise.  Speech is the formation of words.  Such as when you talk or write.  Fire doesn't talk or write.  At least not anywhere in the sanity side of the psychological spectrum.

#4.  Rude cashiers would be fired immediately.  If you've been reading me for a few posts, you know what I mean with this one.  Don't take it out on me because you hate your job.

#5.  Everyone who collects that 2 years of Unemployment would be required to do 30 hours a week of community service.  Whether it be picking up trash by the road, helping in a homeless shelter or doing administrative work.  Doesn't matter but it would be required to get your money.  This will help eliminate the problem of people working "under the table" and still collecting unemployment while at the same time, leaving a reasonable amount of time to search for a new job.  (That REALLY irks me!)  And I have a feeling that it would inspire more job hunting on the workers part because so many people honestly think they are too good to pick up trash on the side of the road.  Just think how much cleaner our environment would be.  Maybe customer service would improve and you never know, it may just turn the economy around.  :)  (I'm giving myself an angry baby fist bump on that one.)

#6.  Christmas decorations would not be allowed to go up in retail stores until the Thursday before Thanksgiving and Christmas music would not be allowed in retail stores until the day after Thanksgiving.

Well, I guess that's enough of my bitching for one evening.  I'm climbing off my mountain and then climbing into bed.

Happy Thursday!  (Or Friday... depending on when you read this!)




  1. hahaha wow a power rant today in Lanie Land
    Did someone scratch you hand
    Those ideas all seem grand
    Maybe you should sing them out with a band
    But if it's christmas songs you'll have to wait
    Or you'll break rule number 6 right out of the gate

    P.S. did email a few days ago
    Yes I remember sometimes with email you are a tad slow....LOL

  2. Lanie,

    Baby fist bump back :-) Screw the man! Wait, I am the Man (Yikes). I love this post. No more warning labels. We need to thin the herd a little bit. Just cause someone can stick tab a into slot b, doesn't mean they need to pop out "daddy's little tax deduction".

    Whew!, that's it for me. Love ya.

    Chris :-)


Say want you want but be nice or be gone. :)