Tuesday, July 24, 2012

How to Eat Jelly Beans...

Some things are a little different in my world than they probably are in yours.  My friends, I'm here to tell you that I do have a small touch of OCD and there are certain things that have to be done in a certain way or it screws up my whole day.

Like eating jelly beans.

Now I don't eat them every day.  I have been eating them more lately because I think I'm on a mission to get an entire mouth full of false teeth before my dental insurance runs out when Sweets retires next year.  So far so good and if you are going to have fake something, I guess fake teeth are better than fake boobs.  Or maybe the two go hand in hand.  I don't know.

I can't believe I just said that.  Must be the sugar rush.

Anyway... when I eat any colored candies like M&M's, Skittles, Smarties or jelly beans, I can't just reach into the bag and eat them.  I have to organize them by color.  Each color tastes different and some are better than others.  How will I know which ones are the best and need to be saved for last if I don't know what color I just ate?

Above you will see the jelly bean eating diagram.  You start at the right and work your way left in this one.
  • Black- These suck.  I've never liked black jelly beans.  I do try one just in case I discover that my taste buds have mysteriously changed but nope.  Still hating on the black jelly bean!
  • Green- Who in their right mind thought that MINT is a good flavor for a jelly bean?  At least I can eat these without feeling like retching into the trash can if I make it that far.  *shudder*  They suck less than the black ones, but not much.
  • Purple- Shows up blue in the pic for some reason but still not very tasty.  I got sick on grape flavored Bubble Yum when I was a kid and it has pretty much ruined that fake grape candy flavor anytime I eat it.  Sucks less than the mint but then again, I imagine licking goat ass would suck less than a mint jelly bean.  Seriously, who does that?
  • Yellow- Lemon.  Lovely lemon.  It's not bad but not great either.
  • White- The coconut flavor is quite interesting in a jelly bean.  I imagine that if I dissolved a hand full of these in a glass of rum that I'd have quite a tasty drink!
  • Orange- Almost orange anything is good unless they jack the flavor up somehow.  I imagine that orange flavor is one of the easiest to achieve since so many things are meant to taste like fake candy flavored orange.
  • Red- The ultimate YUM.  Fake cherry flavor.  I'm in sugary bliss from whence there is no return.  I would love to shake the hand of the person who invented fake sugar cherry flavoring.  It is freakin' genius and I love you.
That's also the order that the jelly beans are supposed to be eaten in.  From worst to best.  Why?  So whenever I think of jelly beans, I'll always think of the red ones and the joy that they bring me right along with the sugar rush that kicks in about the time the last bean is eaten. 

Happy Jelly Bean Tuesday!



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