Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Fuck Your Forgiveness...

After yesterday’s post, my brain kept going back to the 80%.  Empathy and annoyance kicked in for a bit.  80% don’t seek treatment because of what other people think.  

Here’s my take on that...

I didn’t do this to myself.  I am not responsible for decisions that other people made on what to do to me.  I do not and will not ever accept blame or responsibility for other people’s decisions that I had no control or say over.  I was a child and a naive one at that.  I had no idea how vicious the world really is.

I take responsibility for the here and now.

I take responsibility for my recovery.  For working on myself, processing how my brain rewired itself, being aware of how I react and process other people’s evil actions.

Cory is correct on what he said about all of this.  The ones that did this to me moved on.  Got married, had kids and go on with life like nothing ever happened.

Chances are that other people’s abusers were able to do the same thing.

They moved on to live normal lives.  We are left to deal with the aftermath of what they did.  To pick up the pieces and live with everything that happened.  Sort it out and live with it for the rest of our lives.

Sorry doesn’t help.  Sorry doesn’t mean shit.  Sorry doesn’t replace all of the physical and mental pain that I’m still sorting out and probably will have to for the rest of my life.  

Sorry doesn’t give me my security back.  It doesn’t change anything.  Sorry eases the abuser’s mind because of the guilt they feel but does nothing to change what they did.  Nothing.

My advice to mine is to stay away from me.  I’m way past the point of of meltdown and have been past the point of giving any fucks about the lives you live without consequences.  I’m ambivalent to your existence so it’s best for our paths to never cross again.

People say that forgiveness helps.  Thing is, you have to be ready to forgive someone.  

No one stood me up for Prom FFS.  The damage and pain are real and went into hyperdrive that day in that elevator.

Forgiveness?  Fuck off because I’m not ready for that yet and not sure I ever will be.

I really hope that hell exists.

Yep.  I’m obviously angry today but will calm myself down and go on with my life like I have in the past.

What I’m trying to say is don’t be part of that 80%.  This hell that we live doesn’t have to go unchecked.  You don’t deserve it.  You didn’t do this to yourself. You don’t have to try and move through a terrifying existence.

Don’t worry about what other people think.  If someone is harmful to your recovery and treatment, why would you want them in your life anyway?

Why would you live your life in a state of that never ending PTSD world of hell because of what other people think?  

Let them go their own way.  Surround yourself with positive people that love life and love you unconditionally.  

Remember that there are people out there that are fighting the PTSD battle right beside you.  We know.  We really do know.  Probably a lot more than you could ever imagine.



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